Waiting Pains

Waiting has never been my strong suit....I knew that this part of adoption would be hard for me, but I had no idea how hard. I haven't posted in a long time, hoping that the next post would be the amazingly wonderful news of our referral, but I guess I should document this part of our journey as much as the other parts.

I started out thinking we were going to be the lucky few who are on the short side of the 4-6 month timeline. We had heard of people receiving matches within 2 weeks and I was confident that after all we had been through, after how hard I had worked on the paperwork to get it in fast, that I would be rewarded with an amazingly short wait time. I started carrying my cell phone with me everywhere, making sure it was in my pocket, not my purse so there was no chance I would miss a call. After a few weeks, I started getting irritated with my husband for calling me during work hours at home, since every time the phone rang it made my heart race, thinking it could be "the call". In my mind, "the call" will come between 10-12 in the morning M-F, because of when our agency is open and the time difference in ET. So, noon on Friday became a breaking point for me each week. Every Monday morning has been filled with such hope that this might be the week, every Friday afternoon filled with dispair as another week went by with no news.

As one month of waiting passed, I thought it's still early, surely it will be here this month. Same as it got to 2, then 3 months. When it got to 4 months, we were "in the window" given by the agency and I was again convinced it would be here any day. Then I started telling myself, "At least it will be before ____________. (Before our anniversary, before my sister's baby shower, before my sister gives birth, before school is out, before the fourth of july, etc.)

Next came a panic. Courts normally close for the rainy season in August and Sept. Our agency gave a tenative July 15th date for the last date we could get a referral and as that day came and went, we got information from our agency that the courts might not close this year. Hope once again filled my heart, as maybe this was the miracle we had been expecting. It turns out court is not closing this summer, but it is already filled up. People are already being told they must wait until October if they haven't received their court date yet. So, my worst case scenario is now my best case scenario.

Now we are about to exit the official window of 4-6 months of waiting, and my heart continues to break. When our paperwork officially was sent to Ethiopia, we told Noah and he looked up at us with big hopeful eyes, and said our baby is coming now? We then told him, no not now, but we are "One Step Closer" to our baby. Every time I get upset he tells me "mommy don't cry we're one step closer", and it is so sweet, but so hard to hear, because in reality we are no closer to our baby than we were 6 months ago.

I hate to admit it, but there has been good that has come out of this torture. I have been absolutely dependent on the Lord's strength each day these past months. I cry out to him daily for help, and am desperate to spend time with Him like never before. I have also learned more about "the sacrifice of praise" than ever before. There are certain songs that just get to me, and it is so hard to sing "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord" when I am so frustrated about waiting, but God gives me the strength to sing-cry through that song--which I swear we sing every week at church. I know without a doubt that adopting "Button" as we nicknamed him/her a few months ago is exactly what God wants. He has given me such a strong desire for this child, that I have no doubts that he or she will be loved as much as Noah. We have also seen several miracles happen which leave us no doubt that this is what God has for us. We know deep down that this wait is part of God's perfect timing, but our hearts don't always cooperate...

Ways you can help:
1. Notes of encouragement.
2. One line emails with specific things you pray for me.
3. Call and check in, and/or invite me to do something. When I am sad, I get extra sensitive about being rejected, so I tend to isolate myself by not asking people to do things with me.